Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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