i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
