Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
