There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
