I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
