the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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