If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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