dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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