Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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