Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize