you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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