Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
