mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
