one two three fourrrrnication!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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