I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
