I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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