Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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