The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize