MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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