I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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