Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
