My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
