if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
