I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
