so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
