I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she pinky promised me she was 18
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
