drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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