Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
