I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
