You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
