Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
