I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
