I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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