So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
