Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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