I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
