I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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