her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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