i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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