seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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