I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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