NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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