I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Pooping to opera.
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