my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
