And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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