I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
