I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
