The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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