But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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