you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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