I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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