I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
