fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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