I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
