he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
