Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
