I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
