so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
this is an emotional support booty call
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
lying in bed pretending to be a slug