I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
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Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%